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10 things to know about barmaids

Living

Barmaids, just like housemaids, walk the tightrope of serving to please and pleasing to remain in good books. But they may not be as naive as you think, and would occasionally take advantage of low hanging fruits.

Here are 10 things that make barmaids special:

 1. Change...What change? Barmaids, also known as BMs, have the notorious tendency of keeping change, especially when the patrons are high like kites and can’t tell the difference between a Sh100 and Sh1,000 note.

2. Compe roho safi It’s an open secret that it takes a woman to put another woman off. Barmaids are women too, you know? They’ll serve you with dedication and give you all the attention until your woman checks in. You may as well kiss the prompt service that came with an overzealous wiping of the table, and exposed  ‘nyosh’ threatening to spill out of her blouse, goodbye!

 3. Cold beer and being knocked cold We can’t make a sweeping accusation, but there are cases where that cold beer of yours is served with extra special potent ‘mchele’ that will knock you out cold. This is the work of barmaids who collude with thugs to drug you. Later, you will come around minus your wallet, phone, watch and senses in some dinghy, godforsaken, and crime-infested den.

 4.Happy ending Don’t be deceived by the stone-faced BM who looks like she never smiles. Some of them are the ones who keep dry spells away for those loud patrons. A good tip, familiarity and respecting ‘mahali pa kazi’ could do the trick. 

5. How does that make you feel? Yes, that is the question every shrink asks. Barmaids already know how you feel and can smell a broke or sexually-starved man a mile away. But they are damn good listeners. I feel better already!

 6. I have your back They are not always the friends in need, at times, BMs can be friends indeed! They’ll be the ones calling a cab to take you home, let you quench your parched throat on credit, lend you some cab money, and have been known to even offer accommodation at their lodgings. No strings attached, unless you...

 7. Gene and tonic Well, you’ll be forgiven for thinking that this profession runs in families, what with the ubiquitous light-skinned chics with cheap curly-kit hairdos, all apparently from one region of the republic?

 

8. Come baby, come Are you single? Do you need a wife without the hassle of in-laws or bother of dowry and expensive dating? Well, we’ve got just what you need...Yes, sometimes the experience at the pub is like a cheesy and cheap commercial. But you can land a BM willing to respond to this unstated ad. Just don’t expect to make a honourable woman out of her. She’s not going to be ‘mke yyubmani when everything has been handed to you almost for free!

How many hours of sleep do you normally get?

9. Service with benefits It is not what you think. The issue here is more gastronomic rather than carnal. Just bear in mind that a kilo of roast meat in a bar does not weigh the same as that from your butcher. How do you expect Kamene to keep up her energy levels on an empty stomach? Of course she has to pinch a rib or two from your order, even if it is  ka-quarter!

10. Let those with mouths speak! It is not always ‘ask and you shall be given.’ Some BM are very resourceful and take initiative. These ones will not wait for your 50th beer to give you the courage ‘ya kumuomba kama mungu.” They know how to speed up the matter of ‘consenting adults’ and will leave nothing to imagination when they brush their ‘nyosh’ against you with a suggestive ‘come-and-get-me’ smile.’ If you were goat, they would probably drag you by the horns to their houses!

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