It’s Not Me, It’s You: Solving Workplace Conflicts

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“Conflict cannot survive without your participation.” – Wayne Dyer

As an Employee Assistance professional who routinely engages in consultations involving workplace conflict it’s clear to me that the answer to the age-old question of “can’t we all just get along?” is a resounding “Hell no!”

What can we do about the ubiquitous nature of conflict in the workplace? How do we solve what seem to be deep-seated personality clashes to get back to the business of business?

Trying to get to the core of a workplace conflict is not unlike doing couples therapy where each partner points to the other as the instigator and sustainer of tension. Heard separately, the stories sound legitimate and it’s often hard to envision a resolution when the parties involved are so convincing in placing the blame outside themselves.

An example to which I often refer when providing trainings on resolving workplace conflict is an employee who came to me in great distress, stating that her “micro-managing” supervisor did not trust her, was always looking over her shoulder and questioned every decision she makes. Unbeknownst to the employee, said manager came to me complaining of this employee, stating that she seemed incapable of working independently, was never accepting of feedback and, in short, “high maintenance." The one area of common ground between them was that each stated that the stress of the working relationship was becoming unbearable, and each was giving serious thought to switching departments.

One of the reflexive responses to the above is to blame “personality clashes.” This perspective suggests that the flashpoints, or butting of heads, are simply the outgrowth of two people who are just wired differently and have been thrown into the sandbox together and told they must get along.

There are multiple problems with both this diagnosis and remedy. Studies have repeatedly shown that while there are personality issues in any relationship and everyone brings his or her personal history, including how they manage conflict, to the workplace, the reality is that it is the situations they find themselves in that create conflict and that others placed in similar circumstances would also experience conflict.

Examples of system issues that lead to conflict include:

• Someone who had authority and lost it and now resents those in charge.
• Someone who has authority but through its misuse alienates those around him or her.
• Two people sharing the same authority but different goals, each believing his or her way is correct.
• A blurred hierarchy in which no one knows who is really in charge.
• Poorly communicated expectations.
• An organizational culture that fosters unhealthy competition.

The list goes on, but the underlying element is the environment and how each person navigates the hierarchical structure in which they find themselves. This is not to say that dysfunctional people do not show up to work intent on creating drama for the sake of drama, see the workplace as an emotional playground, or are simply bullies kicking sand in everyone’s face. Addressing these individuals takes a strong leader who can implement the 3 C’s of managing problem employees: Coaching, Counseling, and Corrective Action.

The good news in the system approach to conflict resolution is that addressing and adjusting organizational issues is far easier than trying to change hearts and minds in hopes of creating a peaceful work environment.

The first step in addressing the issue is to take a hard look at the organizational culture that surrounds the employees, looking for the built-in power traps that put people at odds or unintentionally create an “us vs them” mentality. Since in many cases the conflict either directly involves a leader or the leader is too close to the issue, a third party, removed from the emotional content, is helpful in getting a broader view.

While many workers cope with the stress of conflict at work through the geographic cure of finding a new job—only to find in many cases that they have the same experience only with new faces—many others, through financial constraints, limited options or liking the work they do, choose to tough it out. The dangers with this approach include the damaging impact of long-term stress, a growing detachment from work—aka presenteeism—to lessen the emotional toll, a growing resentment toward leadership for not appropriately addressing the conflict, or leaning in on a conflictual approach. All of these responses are detrimental to the psychic, mental, and emotional health of the employee and contribute to a toxic work environment.

When counseling clients who seem locked in a battle of wills with a coworker to the point that the negative effects of that struggle are outweighing the benefits of a paycheck I will advise the following reflective questions:

1. How invested in the relationship are you?
2. How important is the issue to you?
3. Do you have the energy for the conflict?
4. Are you aware of the potential consequences of continuing the conflict?
5. Are you ready for the consequences?
6. What are the benefits of disengaging from the conflict?

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If the circumstances do not involve bullying, discrimination, or abuse, I find it more helpful to move employees through the conflict by assuring them that “it’s not you” but then add the qualifier that it’s also not the other person. While sounding like a Zen koan, it’s the simple truth that the surrounding circumstances have contributed to a battle that cannot be won by changing someone’s personality. Additionally, I reassure them that as Gandhi pointed out, “Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.” Finally, I will ask that their awareness shift from tension mode to accepting the following:

• Our work lives are interconnected with our coworkers but also distinct from them.
• We are responsible for shared success but not for another’s success.
• Our ideas, beliefs, and opinions deserve respect but not necessarily agreement.
• It’s not conflict that destroys relationships; it’s how we address it.